


The Lonely Dream Catalyst

by PrePsychPineappleLover



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 07:49:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20373253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrePsychPineappleLover/pseuds/PrePsychPineappleLover
Summary: Companion to my other story “The Broken Heart Syndrome”. This takes place after Sheldon and Amy visit Mary Cooper in Texas over the Christmas holidays in season 10. Back home, the upsetting conversations with his mother triggers a dream about the darkest time in his relationship with Amy. Rousing from his sleep, Sheldon can’t stop the flood gates of feelings that opened with his dream.





	The Lonely Dream Catalyst

_“Given your special circumstances I’m very happy for you.”_

_“And what special circumstances are those?”_

_“You thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?”_

Alone_. The unsocialized eccentric. Forever _alone_…_

_The stranger came closer. Their lips met briefly. She smiled at him. Hurt. The ring box in his hands. Rejection. Sorrow. Pain. She had moved on. He needed to move on, too. She doesn’t want him anymore. Searching for a replacement. Searching for the same feeling. Ending up sad and alone… forever alone…_

Sheldon opened his eyes. For a moment he wavered in the strange state between awake and asleep, trying to figure out what was real and what had been part of the dream. His mother’s words were still fresh in his mind, even though his stay with her ended a week ago. Now, he was home, Sheldon realized, slowly coming back to reality. He was in bed, facing outwardly towards the bedroom wall and the door leading to the living room. Amy’s and his living room in 4B.

_Amy._

Abruptly, he turned around… and exhaled the air he didn’t realize he was holding. She was here, too, facing him, fast asleep. She took him back. He wasn’t alone anymore. Amy was still his girlfriend.

Sheldon stayed in this position, facing her. Normally, he wouldn’t be as fazed by his dreams as he was right now, but the images were still haunting him. Older images which occurred long before they stayed in Texas and had that… insulting, disappointing conversation. Images of their break-up.

Sheldon could still visualize clearly how angry her face had looked, disappointment clearly written all over it. He had let her down. He had hurt her so badly that she felt the need to turn into the arms of another man, leaving him… _alone. The unsocialized eccentric. Forever alone._

_What a powerful word_, he realized. It held so many bad feelings for him that it transferred his mind back in time to that sad, lonely moment on the side of the road in front of Amy’s apartment.

No, he had to concentrate on _now_. She was here with him _now_. They reconciled. Amy loved him again. His mother’s words from last week couldn’t hurt them anymore.

_“You thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?”_

His rational thoughts didn’t manage to calm him down and he found himself unable to look away from Amy’s sleeping form. Almost as if he was afraid she would vanish as soon as he closed his eyes. Which was ridiculous of course.

_Amy is here and she’s going to stay here. She’s happy. She loves me. This all happened over a year ago. It’s in the past._

Despite his attempts to drill some sense into him, Sheldon scooted closer to her and raised his hand. He paused, overwhelmed by the unusually strong need to touch her. Slowly, tenderly, he lowered his hand and brushed some strands of her disarrayed, dark hair from her face, oddly at awe about the softness of her hair and warmness of her skin. She was such a sweet, delicate person. In the unawareness of her sleep she seemed so fragile to him, so in need of protection.

Sheldon moved even closer and encircled her smaller form in his broad embrace, nuzzling her hair.

“Sheldon?” Amy’s voice asked soft and sleepy. “Are you okay?”

He inhaled the clean, homey scent of her dandruff shampoo. “Yes… now I am.”

“Hmm? What happened?”

“It was just a bad dream. I’m okay now.” Sheldon answered, but simultaneously pressed her closer against him. _She’s here, you fool. She’s still here._

Amy pressed her hand against his chest. “I can feel how fast your heart is beating and… well, you’re usually not one to initiate cuddling. Do you… uhm, maybe want to tell me what the dream was about?”

“It’s nothing really.” Sheldon whispered. “Don’t you worry. You need to sleep now.”

“I can’t sleep knowing that something is bothering you.” Amy argued drowsily.

Seemingly just to prove her wrong, Sheldon began stroking her head while shushing her. Amy sighed into his chest and snuggled closer, her fist clutching the front side of his flannel pajama.

_“You thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?”_

_No! See, mother, I’m not alone!_

Unable to shake those recurrent words away, Sheldon felt the urge to spill everything to her. He wanted her to know how he felt when they broke up to prove that he wasn’t striving for solitude anymore; he wanted to share his pain just like he was sharing this bed and his warmth with her.

“I… I think it has something to do with the things my mother said to me last week.” Sheldon began quietly. Amy didn’t budge and for a moment he thought that she already fell asleep. But then there was a gentle nudging of her nose against his chest.

“Go on, please?” she asked him almost shyly.

Sheldon swallowed and licked his lips. He just couldn’t say no to her. “I… I dreamed about the time when we were broken up.” He waited, but Amy didn’t inquire more. Patiently, she waited for him to continue.

“Uhm… did you… did you know that the moment you ended things with me wasn’t even the worst part?”

“It wasn’t?” she replied softly.

“No… I mean, it came as a shock, obviously, but at first I didn’t really want to believe it. Remember, how I kept pestering you? I called and showed up at your place unannounced and after weeks and weeks of rejection, it finally sank in. Howard told me I should try to move on that’s why I asked random women for dates. They said no, but I didn’t really care. I wasn’t interested. I thought I would get on fine on my own, but then… I witnessed you and another man…”

Sheldon mumbled towards the end, but Amy was sure she heard him right. “What?” she exclaimed however. “When? Who?”

“It was the fifth of November in 2015.” Sheldon recollected perfectly. “I don’t know who, but I assume it was the same guy who was present when we got back together.”

“Dave?”

“Dave.” Sheldon growled. Until now he didn’t even care to ask for that philanderer’s name. “Back then, I… I just realized that I wasn’t ready to give up on you yet and went over to your house to…” A pregnant pause. “To propose to you.”

Amy couldn’t hold back her audible intake of breath. Until now she was aware that Sheldon was keeping – _still keeping_ – an engagement ring for her, but she didn’t know that she once was so close to receiving it.

“It was dark and you obviously couldn’t see me.” Sheldon continued his narration unaware of Amy’s shock. “Apparently you just returned from a social outing with Da… that man and he… he kissed you.”

Sheldon paused again and Amy could feel how his loving embrace tightened almost possessively, but she didn’t dare telling him that it was getting hard for her to breathe.

“That was the worst part. It… it hurt so much more.” Sheldon admitted so quietly that Amy had to strain her ears to catch it. “I felt… so… lost and helpless a-and... alone.”

“Oh, Sheldon, if I only knew—“ Amy began remorsefully, but Sheldon talked on as if he hadn’t heard her.

“I realized then how much power you had over me, Amy. If you wanted to you could destroy me whenever you chose to. I think you truly did destroy me back then… It frightened me. That’s also why I rejected you when you first wanted to get back together with me. I was sure once routine would have settled in, I would have done something again… something to upset you. And if you would have left me again… I-I think I couldn’t have taken it.”

Amy pressed her lips together not to make a sound and startle her boyfriend when he in fact opened up about his feelings for the first time. Sheldon got a faraway look as he absently watched how a light breeze ruffled the curtain behind Amy. They both lay perfectly still and calm, whereas their emotions were so raw and upsetting.

Sheldon continued. “I know I always seem so callous and detached, but the truth is… Amy, you make me feel a lot of things. Good, wonderful things usually, but at that time also so many bad things. I guess the… the pain, the longing and the fear of losing you again had been too overwhelming at first… maybe I would have left Pasadena. This time for good, because I could never endure the fact that you could leave and move on without me.”

_“You thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?”_

The words repeated once again, making him shiver. “Maybe I would’ve returned back to Texas and lived with my mother for the rest of my life… to prove to the world that I truly am the unsocialized eccentric everyone always says I am.”

She remembered those words, too. It was too much for Amy. She couldn’t hold back the tiny sob that escaped her. Her silent tears began drenching through Sheldon’s pajama.

In a flash, he sat up, staring at her dark silhouette with fearful widened eyes. “Are you crying? Oh, no. Amy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, please forgive me. Please, don’t leave—”

Amy quickly scrambled up, too, extending his arms towards him in a soothing manner, as if she was calming a skittish horse. “No, Sheldon, no. You did nothing wrong. It’s okay. I’m not leaving you. Please… lie down with me again, will you?” she asked him.

He indeed wasn’t ready to stop their intimate hug just yet, so he carefully took her back into his arms and they settled down. This time Sheldon rested on his back with Amy’s head on his chest and her arms wrapped around his torso.

“I cried _with_ you.” Amy then explained. “You told me all this so vividly that I could imagine your pain. And besides, I was feeling the exact same things back then. Especially when you started asking women for dates. I didn’t realize that this was Howard’s idea. I thought _you_ were moving on without _me_.” Amy pointed out. “You’re tall, handsome and intelligent. I knew you wouldn’t stay alone for long, so I threw myself into this… this… I don’t even know what to call it… this thing with Dave. I knew it wouldn’t work out, but I also feared that I would never find someone else again, so I went out with the first acceptable guy that came along.”

“Oh, Amy… you never need to worry about that. You have so much to offer.” Sheldon said, brushing his lips softly against her hair. “I guess that’s the whole point of my dream. I feared I would always be alone just like my mother assumed last week.” _There I’ve said it._

Taking a deep breath, Sheldon continued, intending to tell Amy absolutely everything. Nothing should ever stand between them. “I never told you this, but after that night… when you rejected me without your knowledge… I was desperate to find a replacement, too. I would have never thought that I was in such dire need of an affectionate companion, but I _did_ miss you. I missed the feelings I got when I’m with you. So this time I tried for real to move on as you seemed to have and met this girl, Vanessa.”

Amy’s heart stuttered, her mouth running dry and she stumbled upon her words. “You-you dated another woman?”

“No, not dated.” Sheldon answered truthfully. “I merely had a conversation with her. Since they found you, I asked Howard and Raj for help in finding me another match online. We came up with a brilliant plan how to lure in women and Vanessa was the only one who managed to answer all the required questions.” Sheldon declared. “I guess other men would designate her as… considerably pretty. But I…”

Sheldon stopped again. _Lord, talking about feelings is a real chore._ But he just realized something. Another fact this dream made clear to him. “Amy, I had been terrified.”

She lifted her head to look at him in confusion. “Why?”

“Because…” Sheldon blew his breath over Amy’s face so close to his own. “Because that would have made our break-up so irrevocable. I didn’t care if she was pretty or if she was smart or if she could’ve been a possible mate for me. Sooner or later I would have scared her away with all of my phobias and compulsive habits. There can’t be anyone else as patient as you are with me… I didn’t want her, I wanted _you_. _Only_ you.”

New tears welled up in Amy’s eyes and she all but shivered from Sheldon’s declaration of love for her. The rareness of his tender, affectionate words made them even more special.

“I wouldn’t have been able to move on with Vanessa, even if I had wanted to.” Sheldon concluded. “Howard and Raj didn’t understand why I sent her away, but I realized – just now actually – that I would rather stay alone but at least somehow close to you, than engaging romantically with someone else… I couldn’t _love_ anyone else like I love you.” After a short pause, Sheldon quietly snorted, remembering something he once said to her in arrogance. “Turns out, _you’re_ the light to my moth-like personality.”

Amy let out a sound, something between a sob and a laugh, and pressed her face into his chest. “Oh, Sheldon…” she sniveled. “I feel the same way about you, baby. I feel the exact same way.”

Again, Sheldon moved his hand to weave his fingers through her chocolate locks, whispering low into her ear. “I’m so grateful for you. As I woke up I thought for a second that I was still alone. I’d never thought I would hate feeling alone. But now you’re here. I’m so glad that you’ve taken me back, that you’re still here with me even though I’m still doing a lousy job showing you how important you are to me, so… here it comes…”

Sheldon sniffled, trying to keep his own embarrassing tears at bay. He took a determined, deep breath and lowered his lips to her ear once more. “I love you, Amy Farrah Fowler.” He whispered and kissed the shell of her ear. “With all of my heart.”

The tears flowed freely down Amy’s cheeks. She used the back of her hand to wipe them away, but to no avail; new one’s ceaselessly kept coming. She hugged her whole body against Sheldon’s, unbelievably happy that she was finally able to do that without him flinching away. “I love you, too.” she whispered, her voice just as frail and delicate as Sheldon found her to be when she was still asleep. “So much.”

“Maybe it’s the dream…” Sheldon mused. “But somehow I can’t even believe it.”

“Then believe this.” she answered, craned her neck and pressed a firm kiss against his mouth. It was filled with assurance that he would never be alone again. No matter what, she couldn’t stand leaving him again; too precious was that feeling of loving him.

Maybe he went crazy, but Sheldon realized that he was able to detect all those wordless promises she delivered with her kiss. “_That _I can believe.” he replied with a smile and reciprocated the kiss with equal force.

_Maybe being a lovesick hippy isn’t so bad. As long as I’m a hippy with Amy. Maybe it’s finally the right time to officially make her mine. To make everyone see that Sheldon Cooper won’t be alone anymore._


End file.
